


Hi, My Name Is Niall And I'll Be Serving You Tonight

by AggressiveStress



Series: Just A Little Nosh [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Attempt at Humor, Barista Niall, Josh is on the wrong date, Language, M/M, Minor Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Minor Zayn Malik/Liam Payne, Miserable Josh, Niall Helps Out A Dude In Trouble, Niall Teases Josh, Nosh, One Shot, Short Mention of Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-28
Updated: 2014-06-28
Packaged: 2018-02-06 13:14:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1859337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AggressiveStress/pseuds/AggressiveStress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn, Liam, Louis, and Harry really suck at matchmaking. It turns out this guy is probably the most boring guy ever, but the server on the other hand, well, that's another thing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hi, My Name Is Niall And I'll Be Serving You Tonight

**Author's Note:**

> My attempt at humor. I'm sorry if this is really bad.... that's all I have to say for myself.

_"Come on, Josh! Live a little," Zayn winked, nudging Josh's arm teasingly._

_Josh gave the man a dirty look, "No thanks. I'm perfectly fine right here," he taps a drum stick on a cymbal as if to prove a point.  
_

_Liam ambushes Josh's other side, "But he's really nice," he swears, "and cute. So cute, Josh. Not my type," he quickly adds when Zayn gives him a look, "but definitely your type. Totally."_

_"No," Josh repeats monotonously._

_"We aren't leaving until you agree," Louis pipes up from across the room where he's picking up various instruments, banging on them, and setting them down again. Harry's by his side, berating his boyfriend every time Louis bangs on something that shouldn't be banged on; Louis always waves him off, but Harry keeps trying._

_Josh sets down his drum sticks and looks at Liam seriously, "You swear I'll like this guy?"_

_The four boys that crowd his bedroom all chime, "Promise."_

_"Fine," the drummer gives in, "I'll try it out."_

***

"Those lying bastards," Josh slams his car door shut, following his date into the restaurant.

The guy, Blake, _is_  really cute but he is anything other than Josh's type. Blake only likes to talk about business stuff and about how his company should be taking off soon so he'll be rich in no time. Josh doesn't give a fuck. He drags his feet behind Blake into the restaurant- more like cafe- where Blake confidently gives his last name to the woman working the front even though the cafe is practically empty and a reservation was not needed. The woman gives Blake an odd look, but she grabs two menus and leads them to one of the many empty tables anyway.

Then something even worse happens. Blake turns to the woman and inquires, "How's your wine in this place?"

Josh wants to bang his head into the table, punch every one of his best friends in the face, and then bang his head again. "I'm not working your table," the woman snaps before she turns and saunters away.

"Well, that was rude," Blake sounds too disgusted.

Josh mentally rolls his eyes. "Maybe they don't have wine. I can deal with a beer,  _trust_ me." Josh would probably need a few just to get through the rest of this date. He's too nice to leave early.

Blake looks around the cafe, "No, no. Don't worry, Josh. I'm sure they have some kind of wine. I'll pay double if that's what it takes," he grins brilliantly.

The fork on the table in front of Josh is the only thing stopping Josh from banging his head on the table. He just really needs a beer or something stronger. He had to listen to Blake talk like this for the entire 40 minute drive, and having to go through it again for another few hours seems like some kind of fresh hell. Maybe this is all payback for that time Josh told Harry that kittens are actually overgrown killer ants with fur (Harry had screamed every time he saw a kitten for a month before Louis convinced Harry that Josh was lying).

"Where's our server?" Blake taps his fingers on the table impatiently.

Josh is about to give up all hope on the date and bolt until the door leading into the kitchen bangs open and a blonde-haired boy lazily strides over to their table. He grins brightly and the look is almost contagious enough to make Josh smile until the drummer remembers where he is and the corners of his mouth turn down again.

"Hi!" the lad chirps and holy Nandos he's fucking Irish, "I'm Niall and I'll be serving you tonight," his blue eyes look straight at Josh.

 _Oh, will you now?_ Josh thinks, letting his eyes roam maybe a little too long over the boy before Blake speaks and breaks Josh's stare.

"It's about time," Blake scoffs.

Josh kind of wants to hit the boy now, but he refrains when he notices that Niall's smile hadn't even wavered. Man, that's gotta take some skill.

"Sorry for the wait," Niall giggles, "I was finishing up some Sudoku."

Blake looks like he's about to comment about how irresponsible that is, but Josh rushes to cut him off. He doesn't need to speak more than necessary. "What drinks do you guys have?" he randomly blurts.

Niall raises an eyebrow, pointedly looks down at the menu open in front of Josh, but he doesn't say anything about it. Instead, he says, "Well for you I could whip up something special. I call it the _Whip It Real Good_."

"Don't you think that's a little unprofessional?" Blake cuts in.

Josh nearly whines when Niall turns his attention from Josh to Blake. "It's an alcoholic beverage. They all have unprofessional names, mate. If you don't want a  _Whip It Real Good_ , then what would you like to drink?"

Blake asks for the wine menu, Niall stares at him for a second, then the Irish lad starts laughing and Blake frowns until Niall straightens up to tell him the only wine they have is his. Of course then Blake proceeds to tell the manager, but Niall concludes that he is, in fact the manager. Eventually, Blake stops furiously huffing through his nose long enough to order a black coffee; Josh gets the  _Whip It Real Good_. Once Niall has skipped away, Blake turns to Josh and the look on his face is absolutely priceless.

"Can you believe that... that  _child_?" Blake seethes.

Josh shrugs, "Yeah, the nerve."

"We could go somewhere else," the wanker says quickly, already reaching for his coat.

The drummer nearly panics. He can't leave now. Not when their server is really hot, Irish, funny, and very straightforward. It's the most fun he's had in a long time. So Josh quickly grabs Blake's wrist, pulling the man back so he nearly topples backwards over his seat instead of landing on the cushion. Blake catches himself just in time.

"This is fine. We're already here, so make the best of it," Josh gives a tight smile, glancing towards the kitchen door where Niall disappeared.

Blake settles down, but then he's talking again. He's making hand motions and talking about his company- something to do with paper, Josh is pretty sure- like it's the most interesting thing ever. Josh "hmm"s and "hum"s politely, playing around with his napkin and resting his chin on the palm of his hand with his elbow on the table. Blake doesn't notice his boredom, but Niall does.

The server waits for a few minutes behind the kitchen door, watching the two men interact.  _Definitely not a couple_ , Niall assesses.  _Probably a blind date._ Once he's got his fill on making sure the cute lad is truly unhappy in the date, Niall pushes open the kitchen door and makes his way to the table. He sets down the glass of purple drink in front of cute drummer guy (the whole tapping his fingers against the tabletop and tapping his foot on the ground gave out the whole _drummer_ vibe), and then a coffee lands in front of the other one. The hot liquid sloshes out a little on the table, but doesn't land in Boring's lap like he had maybe sorta planned.

"What, exactly, is in that?" Boring points at Cute Drummer Guy's purple concoction.

Cute Drummer Guy sniffs it, and the relieved look he gives when he catches the tang of alcohol is enough to make Niall try harder. Niall turns to Boring and shrugs, "A lot of alcohol. He's going to need it," Niall pats Boring on the shoulder.

Behind him, Cute Drummer Guy snorts into his drink while Boring stares up at Niall, stunned. "You can't talk to a customer like that," he huffs, standing. "And I'm afraid I've had enough of your behavior. I believe we _both_ have. Come on, Josh, we can go somewhere else," Boring pulls his coat on, slaps a few pounds on the table for the drinks, already heading for the door before he realizes that his date isn't following him.

 _Josh,_ Niall thinks,  _that's cute._

"Josh?" Boring jerks his head towards the door, a clear sign that they need to go.

Niall raises an eyebrow at Josh, waiting. Josh looks back at Niall, notices the mischievous sparkle in the lad's eye, and he realizes that he isn't going anywhere.

"I think," Josh says, "I'm going to stay here for a while."

Boring's eyes comically widen, "What?"

"Look, Blake, the date was, um, a life-changing experience-" as in he learned to never let Harry, Louis, Zayn, or Liam _ever_ attempt hook him up with someone again- "and everything," Josh scratches the back of his neck, "but I'm going to pass on the second half. Thanks for the, uh, drinks though."

"Fine," Blake stomps to the door, "Good luck getting home! You're missing out!"

Once the door shuts behind the man, Josh laughs and drops his head on the table, groaning with relief. He can only take so much in one night. When he lifts his head again, Niall's still there with his eyebrows raised and his smile warm; he sticks out a hand in Josh's direction, "Hi. I'm Niall and I'll be dating you tonight."

"Hi, Niall. I'm Josh and, actually, I think I'll be dating you tonight."

Niall grins, taking Josh's hand and pulling the boy to his feet. "And where, may I ask, will you be taking me tonight?"

"How about the kitchen? I could use another drink."

"Sounds like my kind of date," Niall hoots, pulling Josh toward the kitchen while also yelling at the woman in the front to lock up on her way out.

***

Liam winces a few days later when they're all gathered in Josh's kitchen, talking about the short date he had with Blake. "I'm sorry, mate," Liam is saying, "I didn't think he'd be that bad. He seemed pretty chill last time we hung out."

The other guys cluck their tongues. Louis says, "I didn't know the guy. I just took Liam's word for it."

"Ditto," Harry and Zayn agree.

"Thanks for the help you guys," Liam shoots them dirty looks.

"Oi, mate, it was your idea."

Josh is shaking his head.

"It actually ended really well."

"How? Was he that good in bed?"

Louis hops off his stool, making his way to Josh's refrigerator where he shuffles around inside until he produces five beers, carrying them over to the counter where the other boys all grab one. The boys had quickly learned their way around Josh's flat, making themselves comfortable. Sometimes it scares the drummer because it's almost like they live here even though Harry and Louis live down the street in an actual house and Zayn are Liam and four doors down the hall. Josh puts his beer up against the table where he slams his palm on the beer cap, pushing the beer down, and the top pops off without problem; the other boys do the same.

"No," Josh laughs, takes a swig of his beer, then, "Hell no. I ditched him before we could even eat dinner."

Zayn's eyebrows shoot up, "Seriously?"

"Yeah. He was fit, but not _that_ fit."

"The hell, Devine? How'd you get home?"

"I didn't come home," Josh grins smugly.

And he hadn't. He and Niall had made an assortment of beverages, chugging nearly all of them and then putting away the ones they couldn't drink at the time. At some point, Niall had kissed him and then Josh was being pushed up against a wall and Josh was gripping Niall's hips, trying to get them as close together at possible.

***

_"So I really like you," Niall mumbles against the lips pressed against his own._

_"I really like you too, Ni," Josh easily replies. He knows his fingers are digging into Niall's hips, and he's catching the shorter's bottom lip between his teeth, tugging on it. Niall moans almost sleepily, letting his head drop back against the wall but pushing his hips roughly against Josh's._

_"Come on," Niall forces himself to push away, taking hold of the drummer's fingers, pulling him toward another door at the back of the kitchen._

_Josh stumbles up the dark stairs behind his new companion, groping around in the dark until he finds a railing that helps him keep his balance. Once they get to the top, Niall pushes open a door and a soft light floods the staircase; Josh is tugged into the room. It's a small place with a kitchenette in a corner and a sitting room in the other. A hallway leads straight down the middle of it all and then branches off into two different rooms that couldn't be much bigger than the kitchen. It's cozy, a fire on and multiple candles sitting around, only a few lit to create a collision of scents in the air. The sense of being safe is evident, and Josh watches Niall spot every single pizza box he has lying around, his eyes getting bigger with each new one he counts._

_"It's not much," the owner looks around, runs his fingers through his hair almost nervously. "And it isn't exactly clean, but-"_

_"Niall?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Shut-up. It's great."_

_"Okay."_

_Josh grins, takes hold of Niall's hand again, and pulls the shorter man into him. It's slow this time, a soft motion of their mouths working together to create something almost tender, but it doesn't last too long. How could it when Josh spent the entire night getting to know a guy who understands him way too well? How could it when Niall has been single for a very long time and this very cute man is very much willing to sleep with him? Niall lurches forward, twists his hands in the front of Josh's shirt, and pulls the drummer down the hall to his bedroom. Their frantic hands roam under shirts, and Josh feels Niall fall backward on a bed; Josh eases his body on top of the waiter's._

_"Wait," Niall gasps, and Josh's hands freeze where they're slowly taking off Niall's shirt. "Just... be here in the morning. I'll even make some eggs."_

_Josh grins, nips at Niall's neck because this man is perfect. "I promise."_

_"Okay, then you may continue."_

_Laughing, Josh tugs Niall's shirt over his head and makes his way down to Niall's jeans with his mouth._

***

"But you just said you didn't sleep with Blake-"

"He didn't," a new voice- an _Irish_ voice- chimes from the doorway.

The four boys on their stools turn around, startled. A man with a big smile waves at them casually, and his smile is too friendly to be one of a serial killer so the boys don't freak out. Harry, Louis, Zayn, and Liam all look at Josh questionably, but the drummer is focusing on the Irish lad that's suddenly appeared. The man standing there quickly moves to Josh, pecking him on the mouth, and then he goes to Josh's refrigerator to grab a beer of his own.

"Like I was saying," Josh waves his beer around, "I didn't sleep with  _Blake_."

"You sly twat!" Louis grins, thrusting his beer in the air, "Nicely played, Devine. Nicely played."


End file.
